new year resolutions

How many of you have done this?  Come up with a list of resolutions, and then given up halfway through January?  Just me?  WELL.  This year, I am going to make a bigger effort to stick with my resolutions.

#1.  50 Book Challenge

I’ve never been huge into reading.  Every now and then I’ll find a book I really like, and I’ll read it in 3 days.  Then the next book bores me to death, or frustrates me, and I stop for 3 years.  I’ve asked my friends, and Instagram followers for book suggestions, and I think I’ve got a pretty good bunch to start with.  If you have any suggestions, please feel free to comment and let me know.  Also, this is one of my bucket list items!  Which makes it even more important I stick with it.

#2.  Drink more water.

I quit drinking soda 2 months ago, and I’ve been good about it.  REALLY good about it.  It’s been a lot easier than I thought, however, I want to make a conscious effort in drinking my 64 ounces a day.  With the help of the iPhone app Waterlogged, I’m going to do it!  It’s really great, allows you to track exactly how much water you’re drinking.  At work I have a 32 oz bottle, and the app let me add a photo of it, and I can track if I drank 1/2 of the bottle or 3/4 or whatever.  Then when I’m at home, I drink from a normal 16.9 oz bottle, and I track that as well.  It’s really pretty great.

#3.  Care more about my appearance.

I know that some of you know me, but a lot of you don’t.  I’m known for dressing like a prepubescent boy.  Hoodies, jeans and sneakers.  This is my every day wardrobe.  If I could wear this to work every day, I would.  Seeing as my financial situation isn’t going to allow me to chuck my entire collection of hoodies and buy nicer things, I’m going to start with mascara.  I own one tube of mascara, and it’s brought out probably twice a year.  Meaning, the tube I have is probably disgustingly outdated.  So I guess I’ll buy a new one of those.  But the point is, I’m going to wear it every single day.  I’ll try to work my way up to eyeliner or something, but I’m not making promises on that one.  Just the mascara.

#4.  Family time.

This past year, I’ve realized that I take my family for granted.  After my mom passed away, all of the would have, could have, should haves.  It’s eating me alive.  So, instead of dwelling on that, I’m going to make more of an effort to make sure my family doesn’t feel that way.  I’m going to start with 3 things.

A.  Family game night.  Calista got a bunch of games for Christmas, so once a month, we’ll all play games for a few hours.  We used to play games a lot, and we had a lot of fun.  We need to get back to that.

B.  Family movie night.  Between the 3 of us, we have quite a large selection of movies.  We usually watch our movies separately, at different times.  Once a month, we’ll get a movie, some snacks, and veg out on the couch.  Sounds perfect to me.

C.  Reading with Calista.  Every night she reads for 30 minutes before going to bed.  I’m going to join her with that, which will obviously help with my 50 book challenge, but it’ll be good for us to have that quiet time together as well.

#5.  Take a walk every day.

Pretty much self explanatory.

So those are the resolutions I’m going to stick with this year.  All year.  You all can hold me accountable.  MOTIVATE ME!

Do you have any resolutions?  Let me know how your experiences with resolutions have worked for you in the past!

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T’was One Crazy Night

Calista participates in many extra curricular activities, one of them being Honor Choir.  This is her 2nd year involved, and she still loves it.  This years holiday play is T’was One Crazy Night.  Her main role was an FBI Agent/Sports Announcer,  however she also handled a voice over part (that was given to her the day before the show), she handled the curtains! 

If you have a spare half hour, here’s something for your viewing pleasure.  If you don’t, make time.  It’s pretty cute. 

T’was One Crazy Night Before Christmas

epilepsy.

 

I’ve never been the ‘whoa is me’ kind of person.  I live with the hand I was dealt, and work with it the best I can.  But you know what, after 17 years of living with it, I’m okay with saying, “what the fuck.  why me?”. 

I’m well aware of the fact that my epilepsy isn’t nearly as bad as it could be.  I can go months to years without having one, and the seizures that I have, are quite mild comparatively speaking.  The fact is, having any at all, makes me angry.  I am a hard working person, I take pride in the work that I do, whether it be in the office, or at home.  Having these seizures, completely wipes me out for days.  Physically and mentally, I’m exhausted! 

Anyway, the point of this blog is, I had a seizure last night.   I don’t want to go into details, because it scares me, and I’d rather not relive it.  As of today, I’m at the office, my muscles are super tense, and I’m having difficulty concentrating.  Unfortunately, due to the ice storm we had last week, I had to use the last of my PTO.  So, here I am, tired, and unable to focus. 

I can’t wait until I’m able to see a neurologist again.  The last time I saw one, I was 13 years old, and they told me that my seizures were brought on by lack of sleep and malnutrition.  Last I checked, when I was 13, all I did was eat and sleep.  I would really like to have this under control.  Like I said, I know my epilepsy could be worse, but I would like to be able to have it stable.  Medication that works, or to find a trigger I can avoid.

happy birthday, mom.

I have many regrets when it comes to my mother.   I regret leaving her when I was 16; actually, I regret leaving every time I did.  I regret not telling her every chance I had that I loved her.  I regret not hugging her more.  I regret not taking more photos of and with her, to preserve her memory.  I regret not working harder, in every aspect of my life, to make her proud.  I took her for granted, and now she’s gone.

Ever since the day she died, people have been telling me that it’s just going to take time.  Time to heal, time to feel normal again.  Though it’s barely been 6 months, I still don’t believe it.  Every time something happens in my life, whether it be good or bad, I still pull my phone out to call her.

It’s her birthday today, she would have been 50-something.  Even though she’s gone, I’m sure she would still find a way to punish me for giving away her age haha.  I would have taken her out to dinner, probably to her favorite Pho restaurant.  I would have bought her flowers, probably would have bought her more turquoise jewelry that she didn’t need.  We would have laughed at whatever shitty present her husband bought her, because he was the absolute worst at giving gifts to her.  Instead, I sit here and remember times we’ve shared.  I try to remember advice that she’s given me.  I try to remember plans that we’ve made.

I often find myself trying to compare myself to her.  In what ways am I like her?  I know for certain, I am stubborn just like her.  I want things my way, and often won’t stray from that.  Though our sense of fashion was far from similar, we were both very into our looks.  I remember spending hours in that damned closet of a store in downtown Juneau.  Kimberly’s Closet.  My mother loved to look her best, from her hair, to her clothes to her nails.  I’m more casual, but I love to spend money on hoodies, and sneakers.  Our sense of style definitely represent ourselves, and I think my mother taught me that.  I know she wished that I would have dressed more like a lady, instead of a pre-pubescent boy.  I also know for a fact, that my sense of music is directly derived from her.  I remember my mom blasting music in the truck.  Gypsy Kings, Bonnie Raitt, BB King, later it would be P!nk and Lady Gaga.  As an adult, I find myself in love with the music I was raised on.  I feel kind of silly, listening to the Gypsy Kings, considering I haven’t the slightest idea what they’re saying.  I’m always drifting toward new artists, singing songs that remind me of her, and then I find myself in tears.

I guess this post is a long, drawn out way of saying, Mom, I miss you.  I’ll never forget you.  I love you.  Happy Birthday.


This song really doesn’t have much to do with my feelings toward my mother, it’s just a song with a little bit of her, and a little bit of me, put together.

when i grow up

I’ve been in my current position for roughly 18 months, with the same company, for almost 3 years.  I’m miserable.  I don’t feel like my position challenges me, unfortunately, my bosses don’t feel the same way since my quality is lacking.  It’s just mindless, mind numbing work.  I need a change, but have to stick it out for a few more months.

“What do you want to do?” is the question most often asked, but I don’t have an answer for that.  I’m 30 years old, and I can’t fathom what I want to do for the rest of my life.  I know this isn’t uncommon, but it’s still a shitty feeling.  I see my friends on their career paths, finishing school with degrees they can make use of, in a field that they love.  Here I am, sitting, staring at a screen, with my thumb up my butt.

When I say it out loud, I feel silly.  Saying that I’m 30 years old, and I want to work in retail just sounds pathetic.  In the end, all I want to do is work with people, I love meeting new people, hearing new stories.  I would also like a job that makes me travel.  haha  My dream job, is to work customer service for an airline.  Eventually I would like to work myself into a supervisory or management position, but I would rather start from the bottom, and work my way up.

So, when we get to where ever we’re going (at this point it looks like it’ll be Seattle, but a month ago, it was Myrtle Beach, so who knows), that will be my goal.  To find a job in customer service, with an airline.  I will apply other various places as well, but for once, I want to be happy with my job.  I don’t want to dread going in.

You can hold me to this.  In fact, I request that you hold me to this.

until next time,

j