not surprised.

For those of you who are unaware, my mother passed away in May.  She had been suffering/struggling with liver disease for many years, and after she lost her job, she lost her insurance.  Obviously specialty doctors are not cheap, so she did her best with keeping up with the meds she could afford, but without a liver transplant, death was immanent.  She was denied disability, twice.  Apparently, retaining 50 pounds of water, having her limbs and abdomen so swollen she could never be comfortable, forever being cold, even when it was 95 degrees outside,  still means she wasn’t sick enough to get disability.

I had accompanied her to Anchorage, so she could be cared for by the state of Alaska.  Due to our heritage, medical coverage is free for us.  We arrived after a 7 hour flight, and she was in so much pain, we went straight to the hospital.  At this time, I cannot go into details about my stay with her in the hospital, my experience there, though I’m entirely grateful to my step-sister for helping me get there, is still excruciatingly painful.

Apparently her kidneys were failing as well, the doctors did everything they could within the week that she was there.  Unfortunately, her health had gone too far downhill to be resurrected.  Though my sister and I were unable to be there at that moment, she passed away with family by her side.

So anyway, the point of this post is just to vent.

The end of August, I received an e-mail from her credit card company.  Stating that they had been bought out, and were sending a new card.  Which I thought was strange, since her husband should (and did tell me) that he closed out all of her accounts.  I contacted her husband and told him when he received the card, to give it to me, so I could close the account.  He then said, “I hope you’re not going to try to use it”.  Baffled, I told him, “No, I’m not.  But thank you for thinking I’m a piece of shit.”

A month or so later, I received another e-mail from my mothers credit card company, stating that her payment was late.  I contacted the credit card company, who stated that the card was still active, and has definitely been used since my mothers date of death.  I canceled the card, and requested that a statement be sent to me.

Yesterday, I received Septembers statement, showing that he had been using the card, and not for things he may have needed help with.  Bills, or groceries.  He used the card at the gas station.  At the pool hall.  He even got a $100 cash advance.  I just don’t understand, did he think this was just going to disappear because she is dead?!

I have decided I am done with him.  Unfortunately, that means I’m done with his family as well.  His two older daughters have been nothing but kind to me and my family.  His youngest daughter, quite spoiled, never really gave a damn about me or anyone else but herself.  Their family has been through a lot, and I would rather not be the person who tells them what a piece of shit their dad is.  Who by the way, has a new girlfriend.  Yeah, my mother’s been dead 5 months, and he has a new girlfriend.

Thank you for letting me vent.  I hope there’s nothing else in my mothers name that he can use.  He never deserved her.

Until next time,

J

yawn.

Every single day, I wake up, get Calista’s lunch ready and her off to school.  I make the short 10 minute drive to work, and sit at my desk for 8 hours, BORED out of my mind.  I have a really hard time staying awake most days.  I know a lot of that has to do with the fact that my sleeping schedule is awful.  I  usually go to sleep between 12am (if I’m really lucky) and 3am (if I’m having a really tough time). 

I think I need to start working on a bedtime routine.  I preach to Calista every day:

1.  Take a shower
2.  Brush your hair
3.  Brush your teeth
4.  Read for 30 minutes
5.  Go to sleep

I think that helps  her a lot, in preparing for sleep, because every day, she is passed out within 10 minutes. 

Maybe I should adapt her same bedtime routine to myself.  Sometimes I try to take a sleep assitance medicine when I remember, but more often than not, I don’t.  I think that changing my sleep routine will help a lot with the lack of energy I have during the day, which is a HUGE reason I had such a hard time giving up soda before.  I felt I needed the caffine, and seeing as I don’t drink coffee, and hate tea…but now, it’s been 19 days without soda, and I need to find another option to perk myself up!

uninspired.

Well, nothing has changed in the last few days.  Still not drinking soda (today is day 14), still no weight loss.  I wasn’t expecting it to all drop off based on one life decision, but I was hopeful.  I’ve decided that November 1st, is the day that I give up sweets . No cookies, cake, ice cream, chocolate, candy.  And I say Nov 1st, because I think it’s unfair to myself, to deprive myself of Halloween, and stealing candy from Calista’s basket.

Other than that, my life needs a boost.  Or a kick in the ass.  I’m feeling so…blah.  About everything.  Work (this is nothing new), my relationship, motherhood.  I was asked to attend a grief workshop for the holidays.  I’m unsure if I’m going to attend or not.  My mothers favorite time of  year was the holidays.  Every year she would wake up at the crack of dawn on Thanksgiving, starting to cook the feast of a lifetime, the best mashed potatoes, not unlike Paula Dean, a stick of butter with a side of butter.  My favorite was the giblet gravy, though to be honest, I don’t really know what a giblet is (don’t tell me).  My mother would start shopping for Christmas in July, which is also when the countdown would begin.  She loved decorating the house, it was like Christmas threw up in the living room.

I’m trying to figure out how to spend the holidays.  Tis the season for new traditions!  Our family is not exactly “normal”.  I can’t cook an entire feast, even if I could, I definitely don’t know how to cook a feast for 3.  So if any of you have any ideas, on what sort of traditions we can make, the help would be greatly appreciated.

Until next time,

J

Progress!

Today is day number 7! Haven’t even been craving it. I think after 1 month without, I am going to give up something else. Not sure what yet though.

20131017-174638.jpg

On another note, my hip is feeling a lot better. I started taking the stairs again today. Unfortunately, on Monday my department is moving to another building, so I won’t be able to go to the gym during my break. I need to figure out another option for a quick 10 minute calorie burner/distracting from smoking.

Until next time,

J

#fat4life

This weekend, I was house/baby/dog sitting for a friend, and we were so incredibly busy.  Between the 3 kids (my 1, and my friends 2 boys), their sports (all three of them playing on different teams, and at different fields, and even in different cities), errands and just all around life.  We ate bad a lot.  BUT.  I am happy to report that today is day 5 of no soda.  And that really doesn’t seem like a long time, but considering from Friday until today, we’ve only had 3 home cooked meals, that’s pretty amazing.  I still want soda, especially on Friday when I made the kids rootbeer floats.  But, I am doing okay without it. 

In regards to running/walking every day during my break.  I’m not having so much luck with that.  Last week I got a pretty massive blister on my heel, it didn’t matter what shoes I wore, it killed.  About Friday-ish, it was better, and I was able to walk without limping.  Sometime on Satruday afternoon, after roughly 6 hours of running around, running errands with the kids, and getting lunch and what not; I felt a pain in my hip.  I kind of just shrugged it off, but throughout the day it just kept getting worse and worse.  The pain comes and goes, mostly comes when I walk, but sometimes it’s there when I’m sitting, or laying, and I just have to move around until I find a spot that isn’t excrutiating.  I have no idea what I did.  It’s not like I was wrestling, or running a marathon, or tai kwon do or anything.  When I first fielt the pain, I was standing at the stove, and cutting up bacon.  Pretty strenuous right?   I think this injury stems from my weight.  My frame can’t take the extra pounds that I’ve put on over the last few years, and I don’t blame it.  Unfortunately, I love this delicious food so much.  It’s going to be hard to q uit.  

I just want to get back to running, but damn.  It just hurts so bad.  And to add to the awesomeness, I don’t have insurance.  So I just get to suffer.  Lucky me.

City and Colour!

Last night, I got to see my favorite band, City and Colour!  Besides the fact that Dallas Green is delicious, City and Colour as a whole is the most phenomenal.  I adore them.  The show was absolutely the best show I have ever been to. We ended up being packed like a can of sardines in the first 3 rows.  6 hours of standing in a 1×1 ft box, my legs are dead.  But as you can tell, by the photos below, it was well worth it.  You can click on the shitty phone photos to take you to some of my favorite songs by them.

Paper Kites opened, they’re a band I hadn’t heard of, but they’re really mellow and lovely.  Based out of Melbourne, Australia, their accent was completely adorable as well.  When they came and introduced themselves, they said “we’re Paper Kites, not paper cuts” haha

It’s pretty apparent I would be a terrible music reviewer.  haha

Not Paper Cuts ;)

Not Paper Cuts 😉

 

Between shows, there was probably a 45 minute intermission, standing in a 1×1 ft box for at this point, 3 hours…my feet were on fire.  But then, Dallas Green walks on the stage, and all is well again.  City and Colour has been my favorite band for many years, and this was my first opportunity to be able to see them in concert.  My sister bought me the tickets in May, so waiting for this concert, has been crazy insane.

City and Colour

I think I may be getting too old for concerts like this.  Maybe I just need to go to shows where there are seats, and you can just sit and really enjoy the music.  Rather than standing, and being pushed around by kids who have no sense of personal space.

Dallas Green is a gorgeous specimen of a man.

Dallas Green is a gorgeous specimen of a man.

Even though all the other fans were singing super loud and off tune, the whole experience was amazing.  I want to follow them on tour, and see them 100 more times.

City and Colour

At the end of the show, everyone was screaming “encore! encore!”, and I was really hoping that the show was over, because my legs were seriously about to fall off from under me.  Dallas came back out by himself, and picked up his acoustic guitar.  He said it wasn’t really an encore, he just had to pee really bad haha  They ended up playing 3 more songs, and I’m glad they did.  I didn’t want the experience to end (just wanted a chair haha)

City and Colour

I cannot praise this band, this show, this night enough.  Best night I’ve had in a long time.

Upon leaving the theatre, I will admit, I’m not too familiar with Dallas, I live in a suburb about 20 minutes outside of the city limits, and don’t often need to venture that way.  So, while I waited for my phone to charge (obviously I killed it while taking a million photos and videos), I drove toward what I thought was the direction I needed to go.  I pulled over to a 7/11 because I had to use the restroom.  They said I had to buy something in order to use it, so I bout a soda.  Yes, a soda.  2 days without, and without even thinking, I bought it.

And obviously/apparently I drank it.  Again, without even thinking.  So, I’m quite disappointed in myself, 2 days?  Really?  I couldn’t last longer than that?  Ugh, so my soda free streak starts again.  Lets hope I can go longer than 2 days this time.

Tonight, I’m going to be posting my first progress entry, showing the disgusting starting point in which I am at.  So, there’s that to look forward to.  :\

Until next time,

j